How should we talk to kids about mass shootings? A Tennessee child specialist offers guidance in the wake of the Uvalde school shooting.

After Tuesday’s school shooting in Uvalde, Texas, parents across Tennessee are grappling with how to talk to their children about what happened.

Dr. Jessika Boles, a child life specialist at Monroe Carrell Jr. Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt, encourages families to cope together and not avoid the difficult talk.

“Kids are actually really intuitive. They’re smart, and they know when something is bothering us,” Boles says. “When we don’t invite that conversation and we don’t tell them that it’s okay to talk about it, it communicates to them that they need to keep those feelings inside.”

Let kids lead the conversation

Boles’ main advice is to create a safe space for children to freely ask questions and share their feelings. That might look differently for each kid, depending on their age and personality.

For instance, Boles points out that kids between 6-12 years old are likely to ask detail-oriented questions, like about the sequence of events. Meanwhile, older teenagers tend to raise abstract or existential questions like, “How could someone do this?” or “Why do things like this happen to kids or good people?”

Boles says it’s okay not to have a good answer. Rather, it’s more important to validate their line of questioning and keep the dialogue open by saying, “That’s a hard question to answer. What have you been thinking about that? Here’s what I’ve been thinking.”

Don’t be afraid to watch the news together

These days, it’s nearly impossible for kids to avoid media or the internet so instead, Boles says find a way to views the news together and have productive conversations. One suggestion is to point out the first responders, police officers and community members who took quick action and offered support.

“It gives you a chance to point out those pieces as well, which helps that child feel a little bit more safe and secure and comfort,” Boles says.

She also cautions against excessive or constant news consumption, especially if it’s not already a common habit at home.

Watch for behavioral changes

Boles says it’s common for children to demonstrate their feelings through their behavior and not words. Kids experiencing stress or trauma may appear more moody, clingy or withdrawn. Other changes could occur in their energy level, appetite or sleep patterns.

“Typically, those reactions can manifest for about a week or two,” Boles says. “But when you really want to start seek extra help is if those responses are getting worse and more frequent as time goes on.”

She adds to take note if any behavioral changes are affecting a child’s ability to function at home or school beyond two weeks, as it may be a sign of post-traumatic stress syndrome. For families looking for mental health resources, Boles recommends the National Child Traumatic Stress Network. 

Reassure them even if you have doubts

Boles says it’s crucial for kids to hear that they’re safe and protected, even if parents themselves have worries.

“Reminding kids of the things in their lives that will stay the same and the things that are actively working to keep them safe can help them regain their perception of safety,” Boles says.

At the same time, she adds that it’s okay for parents and caregivers to show some emotion. In fact, adults can serve as a model for kids on how to exhibit and process difficult emotions, like anger, fear and sadness.